Parents and grandparents

Doctor Phil talks about how important the presence of grandparents in a child's life is to development. Now, I don't watch a whole lot of Dr. Phil, but what if grandparent(s) are dead? I've never really asked him. But, I have been thinking a lot lately about my life and my dad and how much I wish he could have met my kids and seen my husband and me as parents (or even seen us get married, but that is another train of thought entirely).

I don't know why, but more than ever lately I miss my dad. He died January 12, 2003 - two days before his 56th birthday. I think that is a terribly young age to die and I am always sad when I realize how much longer life should have been for him and many others who died too young. I realize that he made his choices about smoking and failing to deal with his diabetes and that these things drastically shortened his life, but made him content while he was alive, so perhaps it is not my place to judge whether it was too short or long enough to enjoy. I do know that it was a terrible loss on his part to never have known my children, as I think they are wonderful and amazing.

I also think he chose to miss out on the best part of me - because I now know that I am a better person because I have had my children and I am the best person I can be because I know they are watching and will learn from me. I am imperfect and human but a good person and a good mother, and my father will never know that side of who I am. He has five grandchildren and only one of them ever met him, and will never remember him. My grandfather on my dad's side passed away when I was 5 or 6 and I barely remember him, so I know a 7 month old (my nephew) will never remember.

All of this brings up so much I have to think through - a lot about faith and what happens when you die if you are not a person of faith. I know that today we are supposed to be tolerant of those with different beliefs, and even those who believe in nothing, but I struggle with what to believe - will we meet again? I'll not know until I am gone either, but for some reason I wish that even though he wasn't a man of faith, I wish he was able to watch, able to see what we are and who we are and what his family is becoming. And I wish he were proud, wherever he was.